I've Hit Rock Bottom Many Times says Manisha Koirala

I've Hit Rock Bottom Many Times says Manisha Koirala

Was it thrilling to face the camera after the long break?
I really enjoyed it. I’ve just finished the first schedule of the Malayalam film Edavapathi (No Man’s Land, directed by Lenil Rajendran). But I realise I’ve aged. The body doesn’t allow me to shoot non-stop. That time has gone. Earlier I could work continuously for 18-20 hours. But today I’m far more focused. When I achieved stardom, I was too young.

Once an actor, always an actor...
Earlier I didn’t believe this. I thought other aspects of life need to be enjoyed too. I’m a keen traveller, I love reading and jamming with friends. I’ve enjoyed living in countries where I didn’t even know the language. Yet today nothing gives me as much satisfaction as acting.

Did you miss the adulation while you were away?
Adulation is great, if you take it in small chunks. But if you get addicted to it, then it becomes an ego trip. You start believing that you’re ‘it’. Some actors believe they’re ‘it’ but they’re working hard to be there. Which is good in a way. Because then you don’t take yourself for granted. Something I did.

Why did you take yourself for granted?
I’m a vagabond, a gypsy. I wanted to discover more. At one point of time, I was so fed up of acting that I told Dimpleji (Kapadia) during Laawaris, “Getting up in the morning, putting on make-up, shooting, returning home tired… is this what life’s all about?” She said, “Enjoy it while it lasts.” How accurate she was.

You seem to have grown…
I’m still a kid. I’m childish. I have a stubborn streak. I become grumpy when I don’t get what I want. The quirks of my personality remain.

You also took your beauty for granted…
True. I gave a damn about how I looked. Some people are born with the wisdom to preserve what they have, some learn along the way. Because I was called ‘beautiful’ I got fed up of that too. I believed my beauty was a gift from my parents, not a personal achievement. Obviously, if you don’t give a damn, you suffer.



But it’s healthy not to be obsessed with your looks…
Yes. But I went through a phase where I put on a lot of weight. Just to prove a point — like me for what I am — I don’t have to start looking ugly. What’s been given to you should be accepted with grace and preserved. It’s your job to look good as an actor.

When did you first realise you were pretty?
My mama (uncle), photographer Prem Upadhay, shot a few of my pictures before I entered films and remarked, ‘you’re photogenic’. That was all. It was only much later, in 1942 — A Love Story (1994), that I was praised for my looks. I remember Vidhu Vinod Chopra telling me strictly, “Manisha, two good-looking actors (Anil Kapoor and Jackie Shroff) are going to be in love with you. So you better look beautiful. In fact, the whole world should fall in love with you.” I did everything to look good in the film.

And Javed Akhtar’s Ek ladki ko dekha to aisa laga… paid a tribute to your beauty
(Laughs) Rather, I had to match up to his poetry.

Did you ever feel insecure about your female co-actors?
Not at all. I did Hindustani with Urmila Matondkar. (Laughs) I was asked whether I was jealous of her. I replied, “How can I be jealous? If I have a 10-minute role, she has a 15-minute one.” The other instance was Lajja and I was full of admiration for Madhuri Dixit and Rekhaji.

Did you face ‘role grabbing’?
I was naïve but not stupid. I was aware of the games being played. I’ll not even go close to hinting at them. It was their motivation. But if I was insecure, I’d have fallen for the trap and played games too. Instead, I was confident and overlooked it all.

What was your strength as an actor?
I was meant for the screen. Honestly, I wasn’t that hard-working. I wasn’t the prettiest of the lot either. It was only gradually that I started looking good. I wasn’t great in Saudagar or First Love Letter. In my first Nepali film (Pheri Bhetaula) I looked horrendous!

You weren’t good with your PR either…
Anil Kapoor would say, “The year Manisha is nominated for the Filmfare Award, she won’t turn up. But the year she’s not, she’ll see to it that she’s there.” I could never be politically correct. I didn’t calculate then. I don’t calculate now. There’s a divine hand behind all of us. Even after all those career blunders and mistakes, I worked with the best — Mani Ratnam (Dil Se), Vidhu Vinod Chopra (1942- A Love Story), Mansoor Khan (Akele Hum Akele Tum) and Sanjay Leela Bhansali (Khamoshi). Today, when I’ve chosen to return, the industry has welcomed me with open arms.

What were the mistakes you made?
I wouldn’t have been me if I didn’t make those mistakes. But yes, I did refuse roles, which I regretted later. Like Yashji (Chopra) had offered me Karisma Kapoor’s role in Dil Toh Pagal Hai. I wish I’d done that. 

What were the lessons you learnt?
I’ve learnt to appreciate what I have. I used to travel a lot to Europe. I loved the aesthetics, the roads, the life... When I’d return to Mumbai, the rundown buildings, filthy gullies and jhopadpattis would upset me. But after I lived away for a few years, I realised it’s such a vibrant city. There’s order in chaos. Now I love the jhopadpattis!


How much have you changed?
Habits are ingrained in our subconscious. At 40, how much can you change? But the best part of growing up is becoming aware of yourself. Spirituality is nothing but awareness. This has come from my learning at the Oneness University. I’ve been practising meditation for the last five years. But meditation alone doesn’t make you a better human being. You’ll still have anger; you’ll still feel negative emotions. But you shouldn’t judge it, just let it pass.

What hasn’t changed about you?
I’m super emotional. I get attached easily. Attachment is a habit. But because I’m far more aware today, I don’t become a victim of that attachment. Neither do I condemn it nor do I cling to it. Being aware makes me take a step back and view things in perspective. That itself is a change.

How do you beat depression?
I’m not a pessimist. But there have been times when I’ve broken down and done all those horrible things you do when you’re depressed. I still go through it. And while I give in to my sorrow and cry like hell, and the whole drama that the world is crashing down is going on in my head, there’s also an awareness that this too shall pass. All that hurt me deeply could have broken someone else but only made me stronger.

When was that?
I have hit rock bottom many times. The world didn’t know what was going on because acting is such a camouflage. You are playing the other person and don’t have the time to delve into your own sorrow. I take it as a challenge and overcome it.

What helps you pull out?
Despite the downfalls, despite the heartbreaks, despite the humiliation and despite the pain I have undergone, I’m still a happy human being. There’s no bitterness in me. I’m not negative and never wish harm to the person who has done big damage to me. I can never take revenge. Maybe, I’ll stay away from that person till the phase is over. People change, situations change and there are no permanent enemies.

When was the time you felt most humiliated?
I faced a lot of humiliation during the Ek Chotisi Love Story (2002) controversy (Manisha objected to the use of a body double for intimate scenes without her knowledge). What hurt me most was that people thought I was conniving with the director (Shashilal Nair) to promote the film. That I’m such a liar, such a gira huwa insaan, who’d actually make money out of my own embarrassment. That hurt me. I still have to get over it.

Controversies have never been far from you…
(Laughs) When I look back and read my earlier interviews, I wonder whether I really said all that. I’d say what came to my mind at that point of time. In the bargain if I hurt someone then I’m sorry.

Are you a romantic or a realist?
I am a romantic. I love to daydream. Thode waqt ke liye doosri duniya mein chali jaati hoon.

What does love mean to you today?
Love for me is no longer only between man and woman. Such a love is limited. I value the love that Rumi (mystic Sufi) had for the creation and the divine. It’s the Oneness teaching and also my experience that when someone says, ‘I love you’; it also implies, ‘I need you to love me too’. If someone can say, ‘I love you whether you love me or not’, then that unconditional love is most valuable.

How significant is a man in your life?
It’s great to be in a relationship and have a man in your life. But you must be clear about what’s drawing you towards this relationship. Do I need emotional security? If there’s a need in me, then I need to work on it first. ‘Need’ can’t be love. Need is selfish. But love is giving and unconditional. I’d rather be in a state where I can give love, rather than ‘need’ it.

Do demands kill a relationship?
Surely! But the question remains that don’t we demand of others too? He must have this and he must be this. It’s easier said than done.

Things a woman should know before she gets into a relationship…
All such fundas are crap. Unless you start living together you’ll never know.

Apparently, Madhur Bhandarkar’s Heroine has references to your life?
I called up Madhur to ask him about it. He said, “Manisha yaar, no yaar, why will it be based on your life?” I left it at that.

Ever thought of writing your memoirs?
I would like to. But honestly, I’m a stranger to myself. When I read my past interviews I can’t recognise myself. As a child I was told to read autobiographies. I tried hard to like them but couldn’t. The same applies for my readers. Why would they want to read about my life? They like me on screen. Kahani khatam.

Do you wish to be a mother?
Yes. I don’t know whether it would be biologically/physically possible after a point of time. There’s a strong desire to be a mother but I leave it to the Universe. If it’s meant to be, it will. I love babies. Some time back I thought of adopting one. Maybe I’ll do so after a couple of years.

Do you fear ageing?
Not at all! Years before, on my 30th birthday, I had a massive bash. My friends were surprised that I had gone all out to announce my age. Every age is beautiful. I’m okay with my grey hair. While here we don’t acknowledge age, in New York, champagne and Botox parties are a rage. If I feel like it, I’ll do it.